I.
 

The question is not how like the animals we are

But how we got that way. We laugh, for what is a suicide note

 

But the epitaph of an emotion? Few of us die out in the open;

And when you say thesis, I say antithesis,

 

But we don’t stop there: we take our opposing ideas,

Plant them on opposing cliffs and then build a footbridge

 

Between them, seemingly flimsy yet sturdy enough in fact

To support a battalion. Hidden behind trees, we watch

 

The soldiers march across it, single file, too scared

To look down. We cheer them all, all except the boy

 

In the fairy tale who knew no fear. Him we pity.

He laughs open-eyed, ready to die as we were not.

 

He is one of us, all right, but better, stronger, stranger.

He asks for more fear than anyone can bear.

 

 

II.

 

The guilty had three choices: awkward chords of candor,

Canned laughter, or the wild hyacinth’s sutra, before

 

Silence returned triumphant, and the journey resumed

In darkness, though the sky above was classically blue.

 

Everyone kept his opinion to himself

As harmony dictated, and effigies of Tristan and Isolde

 

Accompanied their stubborn footsteps across the wild

Terrain. Yet the longing for a loud catharsis

 

At night renewed their pain. “If only we could climb

Out of these clouds and heartfelt headaches,

 

Like ravished children in the glory of a snowball fight

After school, and never again have to descend,

 

Who would not abandon these erotic shipwrecks

And fall asleep like tigers in the destined heights?”

 

 

III.

 

At a festival of conceptual art in Cairo,

I saw a tank buried entirely in snow.

 

I knew then that silence is the source

Of all music, all laughter, all thought, and so

 

I stuffed pebbles in my mouth and stood by the sea

And roared my defiance of the waves. It was here,

 

Years before, that our plane and its shadow

Converged: I ran from the fire, carrying the flames

 

In my arms. I ran and ran, feeling like a man

Fighting a newspaper on a windy beach, but it wasn’t

 

A beach at all: the sand beneath me was snow,

Is snow, and the spears in the desert sky look like stars.

 

In the pyramid’s triangular shadow, I was the man

Who heard the crimson explosion, and ran. And ran.

 

 

IV.

 

Keats in one of his letters says, “My Imagination

Is a Monastery and I am its Monk.” I wonder.

 

If a man’s imagination is his monastery,

This place looks a lot like an empty railway station,

 

King’s Cross in London or the Gare St. Lazare in Paris,

A place whose smoke and fog Monet dissolved

 

Into a chorus of colors. There we stood, my love and I,

Having made our vows under the suspended clock,

 

Hero and bride. But as we walked away, side by side,

Down the station’s sunless nave, amid the excitement

 

Of the crowd, and foreign languages spoken loud,

We knew our exile had already begun, could hear

 

The conductor’s shrill whistle, could see the light

At the end of the tunnel, where the battlefields begin.

 

 

V.

 

Paradise was hardly what Psyche

With her bleeding blackberries and nervous orgasms

 

Could have foretold, enjoyed,

And renounced for the sake of some querulous abstraction

 

Designed to keep us unhappy but alive.

Call it civilization. Call our disobedience instinctive.

 

Or say we obeyed an angry muse, who ordered us to dance.

“Or else?” I asked. She sighed before answering.

 

“Or else a dismal armchair will be your lot

With chamber music your sole narcotic—music that will make

 

You face your former self, and grieve over incidents

Scarcely recalled, and eat without pleasure, and drink

 

Without thirst, and dread what shall never come to pass.”

In the revelation of our nakedness, we danced.

 

 

VI.

 

“A ball that is caught is fuller, by the weight

Of its return, than the same ball thrown.” Our empty hands say so.

 

We feel free. In the other room the true believers remain,

The ones who insist that evil is real, the only real thing.

 

Cannibals and missionaries they are, accomplices in sin,

Greedy for punishment, to inflict or endure it.

 

We are glad to leave them behind, glad not to have to hear

Their chants and wails. Down the elevator we go

 

And out into the canyon created by skyscraper shadows.

Yet even we, dedicated as we are to good living,

 

Sometimes walk around with a lost look on our faces,

As if the blessing for a piece of fruit or cup of wine

 

Had suddenly come to mind, though cup and plate are empty;

Had come to mind and faded almost instantly away.

 

 

VII.

 

Admit it: you used to walk around thinking there had

To be a reason for things, for everything. That way

 

Paranoia lies. Not a science of syllables, the solitude

Total, but the prophet’s lit lantern was what you wanted—

 

And what you got was “neon in daylight,” a pleasure

Recommended by Frank O’Hara. Those pleasures meant a lot to you,

 

You even thought you lived for them, until the first death

(A nervous uncle broke the news when you landed at Kennedy)

 

And the first marriage (you stayed up all night and read

Beyond the Pleasure Principle, a fair description

 

Of your lovemaking). It seems that new myths are needed

And consumed all the time by folks like you. Each erases the last,

 

Producing tomorrow’s tabula rasa, after a night of dreams

In which the tigers of wrath become the tigers of repose.

 

 

VIII.

 

 

Go back to the beginning, to the first fist fight.

They played for high stakes those days. The penalty for losing

 

Was death or slavery, take your pick. To spare a life

Was the mark of the master; the mark of his slave

 

Was fear. Noble savage, nothing. Forget about paradise.

My vote goes to Hobbes’s “life of man, solitary, poor,

 

Nasty, brutish, and short.” An amazing sentence:

The syllable that ends it also lends it its poignancy,

 

Since we go on wanting what we can scarcely bear.

Go back, go back, back to when god became a swan

 

With beautiful wounded wings, and raped the astonished maiden.

Back to the dream that stays real when you wake up,

 

Accustomed to your hunger and clinging to it,

Like a panther accustomed to his cage. Go back.

 

 

IX.

                       

A slap in the face, and the face burns with shame.

Anger comes later, comes stranger, looking for someone to blame.

 

End of message. Can’t see the stars;

Can’t say anything that hasn’t been said before

 

By somebody slamming the door; can only repeat

The syntax that brought the crowd to its feet

 

In the silence that appeased the nightingale.

End of tale. But its moral was simple:

 

I lost the hearing in one of my ears

And listened with the other to a deaf man’s

 

Symphony. He built a heaven out of his fears

That there wasn’t one. End of nightmare.

 

—The imperfect past, going by too fast,

Begged us to collect it. It couldn’t last.

 

 

 

X.

 

The doctor put his cards on the table.

“Take your pick,” he said. He was able

 

To offer me fear of extinction or fear of pain,

Though freedom from neither. “You mustn’t complain.”

 

In the vertiginous air, the monks wore masks

To keep their germs to themselves and their

 

Identities a secret. A hero to his own valet,

The Sultan choreographed his murderous ballet

 

Until Scheherazade, entering the circus tent

With John the Baptist’s head on a silver tray,

 

Told her tale and made the crowd repent.

The curtain dropped and the crowd went on its way,

 

But no one could say what the nightmare meant,

Or why it was sent to us, or by whom it was sent.

 

 

XI.

 

You can’t have it, so you want it, or

You couldn’t have it, so you no longer want it, or

 

You’re stuck with it, forever. It was designed with you in mind,

Like the locked door that swung open majestically when you

 

Spoke the magic words or just answered in the affirmative when

Your name was called. “Here I am, ready to meet you,

 

Ready to make any sacrifice,” you said,

Still in bed, wrestling with an evil angel

 

In your sleep. You were seventeen years old then

And woke up with a limp. Desire is like that:

 

The girl knows what you want and cries when

She gives it to you because it was yours because

 

She whispered your name in your sleeping ear

And said: “Here I am.” And was gone a minute later.

 

 

XII.

 

I met her in one of those sleazebag bars—

I think it was called The Bottom Line—in Buffalo,

 

Self-proclaimed “city of no illusions,” where

Silent men in shirtsleeves sit on bar stools and watch

 

Girls with tattoos on their buttocks strip

Down to g-strings and panties. They dance to the thump

 

Of moronic music, grind and hump under hot strobe lights,

And then, when the act is over, circulate among the scumbags,

 

Gyrating in front of each in turn, making each feel special,

And each, aroused by the mingled smell of musk and sweat,

 

Folds a dollar and sticks it into her crotch for a tip.

She was different. When I left the bar that night I knew

 

She would follow, and she did, and I never looked back, never

Glanced at the rear-view mirror. All other women turned into her.

 

 

XIII.

 

Her name was Mary but was Miriam before that and soon

She will change it to Alice. What she offered was a shadow

 

The shape of Europe on the map above the bed of my youth.

Her shawl is all that remains of Europe in the downstairs closet.

 

It was forbidden to lift up her skirt and look, look.

Yet boys and girls danced across the bridal morning like a bridge

 

As the wings of the fog like white sails lingered

Across the bay. I flew, like a caterpillar with wings, into a new day.

 

That was the day we buried Europe. We built a dome in air

And in the icy silence of the tomb. To hang like a spider

 

On a subway strap seemed a suitable fate for some, but we

Lit a candle and watched it cast the shadow of a mountain

 

In a valley. It was the awful shadow of some unseen power,

A heaven in a wild flower. Europe, bloody Europe was gone.

 

 

XIV.

 

In the dream of your choice, you wake up

In the Garden of Eden, alone except for a whore with a heart,

 

Wearing a nurse’s uniform. The serpent says:

Listen carefully. This is for your own good.

 

At the tone it will be eight o’clock.

Nine out of ten physicians recommend

 

That you surround yourself with the kind of sorrows

That can be instantly relieved by frivolous kisses,

 

With vegetables as lush as fruits

Ripening in your hands. When the hospital gates are opened,

 

Don’t hesitate, run! And when you arrive at last in the land

Of the free, take your place in line with all of the others

 

As though nothing had happened between then and now

To make you doubt the conviction that you’re blessed.

 

 

XV.

 

If you were a painter, you’d paint the wind

Green. It would shake the boughs of the honey locust trees.

 

It would chase the leaves across the continent.

It would scatter their crumbs in a twist of swirling snow.

 

It would be colorless and green at the same time,

The wind that aligns the pond and the cloud,

 

The wind that is everywhere, in constant motion,

As buoyant as Ariel and as scornful of gross Caliban,

 

The wind that holds up the fly ball, drives it back

Into fair territory, causes it to drift within reach

 

Of the right-fielder, who waves off the second baseman,

Until a last gust lifts the ball over both their heads

 

And it lands safely for the double that ends the game

In extra innings, costing our team the pennant.

 

 

XVI.

 

After the flood, refreshed, was the first time

You realized that the road to truth was the road

 

Of flagrant fiction. You surrounded yourself

With symbols (a mountain, a window, an ark,

 

A rainbow) and mythic creatures (the dove that returned

And the raven that didn’t). You understood the dream

 

Of the old woman who interpreted the sailor’s dream.

Then came the other birds, the clouds that come

 

When the rain is done, and the wind that signals

The discovery of dry land, a new continent,

 

As the report of a gun sounds the start of the race,

As the bottle broken beneath the bridegroom’s foot

 

Begins the marriage, as church bells start the funeral

Parade and all the townspeople march in the procession.

 

 

XVII.

 

No longer is there freedom in confusion,

Nor forgiveness in confession,

 

Nor charm in the old illusion

Of moonlight, the tower, the howling dog, the escaping lovers,

 

Escaping into midnight in the Western hemisphere,

When the possibilities of expansion still seemed limitless

 

And the soul could choose among stars without number

In the vast velvet night without end.

 

—In the midst of other woe than ours, I went to the window

And cured the solitude of the listeners outside

 

Who shivered in the rain, waiting for the police to come

And ambulance sirens to sound. Drunk I was when

 

I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and said,

“Dad, Dad, is that you?” In the terror of the night.

 

 

XVIII.

 

“Wherever you follow,” he said, “I will lead.”

Where summer met fall, she picked up a brittle orange leaf.

 

He wanted to lie on the grass, to lean and loaf

At his ease, but the crisis intervened: news of her unpaid loan

 

Prompted him to put his sandals on his head, as in the Zen koan.

Slowly he walked away. Silence followed, then the sound of a moan

 

In the room next door. So orange it seemed a painted moon

Shone against the indigo sky. And quickly her mood

 

Went from unreasonable euphoria to realistic dejection, as the wood

In the fireplace turned to ash without first yielding a flame. The wool

 

Of their sweaters had begun to unravel. “If the fool

Persists in his folly,“ someone said, “he will have food

 

Enough to eat, loaves and fishes galore. Worship the good,

Which is beautiful though untrue. Turn your back on gold.”

 

 

XIX.

 

If we were painters we’d favor vibrant stripes,

Primary colors, flat surfaces, a lot of white

 

Remaining on the canvas. If we were composers

We’d take the music of exotic jungles with us

 

When we visit the vast vacant tundra. “If I were

Rich enough,” vowed the philanthropist, “I’d move

 

To a magnolia mansion and spend my days

Translating modern literature into ancient Greek.”

 

Great plans, distant vistas, a rearguard action

To sabotage the present—and here we’ve all assembled,

 

At the antiseptic airport, with haunted looks on our faces.

Occasional eye contact between man with tan and woman in white.

 

“You look like your voice,” she says, breaking the silence.

The rest of us know where we’re going, but we don’t know when.

 

 

XX.

 

They’ve cornered the market on moral outrage. Yes, they have.

The more noise they make about it, the more nervous we get.

 

They’re always telling us just how shallow we are.

The only convictions we have, they say, are on our driver’s licenses.

 

The charge is not entirely fair to us, though it has its grain of truth.

We tend to luxuriate in our indecisiveness. Not they. No one can say

 

They lack conviction and passion and certitude. We have our doubts,

Which make us less glamorous and give us

 

The haunted look we wear. But something in defense

Of our bemused spectatorship must be said: at least it spares us

 

The postures of those hypocrite lechers, brothers and others

Who sublimate their sexuality into opulent rhetoric and chide us

 

For not doing the same. They have our best interests at heart.

They may even be happier than we are. We have our doubts.

 

 

XXI.

 

Today’s graffiti is in the sky: “More than meets the eye.”

Growing up I could tell the months by their smell.

 

First come the fruitstand smells of spring in the city,

Then the backyard trees get back their green, and we know

 

It’s the real thing. Poetry is this puzzle of missing parts

Is best represented by clouds in the early evening sky,

 

Because they constantly change shape, are utterly indifferent

To us, and seem both remote and near at hand

 

At once. The creation of the world is a ballet

With the dancers and music missing: what you see

 

Is a miniature stage-set in a museum display case,

And then suddenly you are walking in it, along the Boulevard Raspail,

 

Until the Eiffel Tower comes into view. Watch it organize

The bridges of the Seine into a coherent surprise.

 

 

XXII.

 

Love accompanies the stranger to his streetlamp

Encircled by signing insects. The song he hears

 

Meant doom or wax in the mariners’ ears.

And now, as the smell of fresh cut grass gives way to the smell

 

Of brown leaves burning, I want to tell

You what I heard that night, and how the day

 

Erased it: I woke to the rattle of a passing car

Which, accelerating up the rapidly rising ramp,

 

Seemed delighted with its capacity for making noise. From far away

I could hear it coming. And just as we know that fame isn’t all

 

It’s cracked up to be, that it can be downright

Nasty in fact, and yet we want it anyway,

 

So I, too, knew I belonged in one of those cars, tall

Behind the steering wheel, racing to meet the changing light.

 

 

XXIII.

 

Winter came last. Waves of snow from who knows which wind

Turned the meadow beside the frozen waterfall

 

Into an ocean. The boy in the fairy tale who knew no fear

Soon learned. On the shore of the wide world he could hear

 

The violins of anger, spelling danger. Poetry in this era of disbelief

Meant staring at a leaf until it turned into a star.

 

It was easier in the past. All you had to do was sleep outside

And let nature take over. There were more stars in the sky

 

Than we had room for in our philosophy. And when we woke,

Berries grew beside the burbling brook and bled in our soft hands.

 

The question was not how like the gods we were

But whether we could recognize them in our sleep

 

And remember what we had seen, remember them clearly,

When the radio alarm welcomes us into its next musical day.

 

 

XXIV.

 

I live in a boat in front of the door

Depicting the gods as they might have been forgotten

 

By Lazarus during the tortures of interrogation.

What I see are tombs and yellow stains on the snow.

 

Instead of quotations, I will refer to my heart,

Instead of an altar, I will guard the munitions

 

And drink wine with the sour taste of cork

And eat sour strawberries in the city of New York.

 

You who’ve been looking for a lost address,

And mothers who seem to be fighting back their tears,

 

What made you think you could resist the roar

Of the years as they echo in a cavernous subway station?

 

Can you see the boat in front of the door?

What was it you forgot during the interrogation?

 

 

XXV.

 

Ovid had it wrong. The plight of the frightened maiden

Gliding noiselessly into the woods, like a deer whose eyes

 

Had been mesmerized by headlights on a cold November night,

Was implausible without the contrivance of arrows: love’s dart

 

Claimed Apollo while the dart of fear pierced Daphne’s heart,

And so she ran, deeper and deeper into the woods, losing ground

 

All the while to Apollo (for love moved faster than fear),

Until the gods, granting her wish, turned the nymph

 

Into a laurel, which Apollo hopelessly embraced. Poetic justice?

Yes, except it didn’t happen that way. Their foot race ended

 

In a forest clearing, where Daphne, exhausted but unashamed,

Made Apollo watch her undress. He entered her

 

At her request, as if his will were an extension of her own.

The trees, inclining their branches, nodded in consent. Love won.

 

 

XXVI.

 

The boy, who was more eager than his father

To live on a raft, sleep in the woods, and study the stars,

 

Became his father, but not before he hid in a cave, slept in it

Overnight, and was saved by a spider from sure destruction.

 

The king’s soldiers, hot on his trail, saw the web stretch unbroken

In the mouth of the cave, and assumed that no one was there.

 

What is the correct interpretation of the spider’s web?

To the soldiers it meant desolation; to the spider, conquest;

 

To the grandfather telling the tale, providence. The boy

Sees the dew cling to the web at dawn. The natural camouflage

 

Of rabbits and snakes isn’t lost on him. He notices

The triangle formed by three birds in the bare-branched sycamore.

 

He can hear the hum of a bee admiring a tulip’s genitalia.

And at night, he knows, all the colors are present in the white of the stars.

 

 

XXVII.

 

That was the year I first read Hölderlin.

The evening fell more slowly and the first day of spring

 

Arrived more suddenly and stayed lovelier longer.

Boys pursued muses and girls impersonated them.

 

With the instinct of insects, He and She on the meadow

Mate. What they dreamed stays real when they wake up

 

In the evening of the first day of spring.

Did they fall out of paradise or were they pushed?

 

It’s unclear, but we next see them enter the gathering dusk,

Hand in hand, and the camera pulls back and the voiceover says,

 

“Good fortune is even harder to bear

Than the bad fortune that came first. Remember this

 

About the gods: their own immortality suffices them.

The source of all rivers is a riddle even I cannot solve.”

 

 

XXVIII.

 

How little I have changed since then, or how much

Of the change is in the eyes of the beholder

 

Of a book I lived rather than wrote, whose author

Seems like a stranger to me today. I remember,

 

For example, wanting to write an apocalyptic parody

Of Milton, in Milton’s high style, titled “Eden in Flames.”

 

Adam and Eve celebrated their carnality, and when they woke,

The branches of the fruit trees curved gracefully down

 

And served them nectar. I couldn’t bring myself to describe

Their banishment, and so the project failed. Yet what I heard

 

When I slept sounded a lot like the chorus of joy

In Beethoven’s Ninth, and what I saw when I woke up,

 

If only for the length of a dream, was a deer,

Eyes mesmerized by headlights, motionless in the middle of the road.

 

 

XXIX.

 

You could be the only passenger on the bus

Who notices that the driver is blind. I, by contrast,

 

Have eyes only for lovely you. Give me your hand.

I will kiss it. You are cordially invited to my studio,

 

Which resembles a psychiatrist’s office. Once there, I put on my glasses,

Read passages out loud from Plato, Hobbes, Marx, and Freud,

 

And ask you for your opinion of each. Together we analyze

Solitude. There is a meeting of the minds,

 

And sex follows. It’s the first day of spring and we want

To walk along the river and roll on the grass and take off

 

Our clothes while leaving the windows wide open. In fact,

We can’t wait to get off this bus, which seems to be going

 

Nowhere fast, as Spring puts her tongue in my ear

And names the forbidden parts of her body.

 

 

XXX.

 

No one could say what the nightmare meant

In the operating theater or the circus tent.

 

And none of this will help us pay the rent:

Many are called and sleep through the ringing,

 

But we know it’s spring, though we’ve thrown our watches away.

Our dreams, stretching across the chasm of day.

 

Don’t deter us from waking, jumping into our clothes,

Dancing down the avenue, and swinging through

 

The revolving doors of the future, where we used to live,

The day before yesterday, when we weren’t dying.

 

—The question is whether the raven will return

After his end-of-the-world adventures, after the storm

 

When one by one the masks slip off, and the bride embraces

The guilty son: true to the test, remembered and confessed.


David Lehman, “Mythologies” from Operation Memory, published by Princeton University Press.  Copyright © 1990 by David Lehman.  Reprinted by permission of Writers’ Representatives, Inc..

Source: Operation Memory(Princeton University Press, 1990)

David Lehman

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